***Have you witnessed the smile on your child’s face after jumping in muddy puddles with you?

***Have you seen the sparkle in the eyes in letting him get all messy with paint and colours all over him and less on paper?

***Have you felt the warmth when you gently hug and cuddle them?

If the answers to most of these questions is “Yes”, then you are enjoying the most blissful phase of your child’s life to the fullest, which will leave untold memories in both yours and his life. Loving and living life from the perspective of a child is indeed very tough, but when they grow and our houses will be left with still memories, all of it will make complete sense and unfold the beauty of creating them in the first place. The key to successful parenting – Unconditional love.

A mother to a toddler herself, when questioned by her mother, “What is the most amazing memory from your childhood?”  replied, ” It is the way we all sat and ate dinner together, the cake that you baked on my birthday with love, the surprise drives that dad would take us on a Sunday to make us have fun, the way you let us play in the rain occasionally to enjoy the gift of nature”.

As parents, we are here to raise the child’s heart and not just the behavior. In today’s busy schedules where everyone is fighting for the survival of the fittest, the children are missing out on the experiences that are the very essence of childhood. This innocence in thinking, this simplicity in life, this grit in taking up challenges, this warmth in expressing love, this charm and zest in the smile, this confidence in life as a journey will only fade with time if not nurtured in the right direction. This is not to challenge our parenting skills, but to reflect and enhance this journey to make it effective and a safe place for our children to land.

As stated in one of his articles, the spiritual master Sadhguru speaks about 10 things that help children flourish. One of things mentioned include “Giving children true love”, which indicates the importance of choosing to be unpopular and doing the best for the children. The parents hold the most important place in any child’s life and this position can lay a strong or a weak foundation for their future success and relationships depending upon the experiences provided during the formative years of their life.

Research has shown that the most vital element to grow emotionally strong, healthy, happier and resilient children is attachment and connection. Parents, caregivers, teachers who directly influence the development of children cannot be replaced with technology, peers or any stranger. As the first point of contact in a child’s life the way we understand the language, the expressions, the broken words of our children and the way we respond to them is very crucial to their optimum growth.

As mentioned in Daniel Siegel’s and Tina Payne Brysons’s book “The Whole-Brain child”, “how our kids make sense of their young lives is not only about what happens to them but also about how their parents, teachers, and other caregivers respond”. The security and unconditional acceptance provided to the children when their brains are still developing will wire their thought processes accordingly.

Let us consider a situation here. If you are in a supermarket and a child has a serious meltdown about buying a toy, what would be your ideal reaction? As a parent, it is intrinsic to get upset and show it by yelling or spanking at that moment. This is because we take their behaviour too personally and believe it to be a direct indication of our parenting skills. Depending upon the age of the child, the most appropriate reaction would be to either pull the child out of the situation to a calm spot and avoid him of any shameful reactions. We could also get down to a child’s eye level and say phrases like,” I know it is tough for you to let go that toy and I am there to hear you”, or “I understand that you really want that toy as it looks attractive but maybe we can talk about it later and decide if we really need it”.

You will be surprised as to how validating the feeling will be so effective in letting the child deal with the emotion. This kind of compassionate response is only possible for a person who is connected to the child unconditionally and needs patience. Acceptance, empathy, respect, humbleness towards our children is not a trend but it is the dire need to make positive individuals who not only survive but thrive in life.

The same is reiterated by Alfie Kohn in his article “Why lots of love (motivation) isn’t enough” where he emphasises the distinction between loving children for what they do and loving them for who they are. He says that the former is conditional love where the child is expressed love for acting in ways we deem appropriate and the latter is unconditional; and it is this latter according to the growing body of research that the children really need from their parents and teachers. This clearly suggests that children need an environment where they are allowed to blossom and celebrate their uniqueness. They need a safe place, a strong shoulder, a loving relation to be able to do so.

Children growing with unconditional love and acceptance also develop high self-esteem and positive self-image, in contrast to those growing in fear and insecurities. The seeds we sow today towards this relation with our children will bear priceless fruits in future which will enable our children to face the real-world challenges. Too much of love, listening to our children’s feelings, respecting their emotions does not spoil them but empowers them to prosper and emulate the same in their future relationships.

Also suggested by Siegel in his book, “As children develop, their brains “mirror” their parent’s brain.” We need to make sure we are good epitomes of unconditional love and change the traditional way of being strict and authoritarian towards our children.  This needs hard work, spending quality time with them, dealing with love and patience with them even during the meltdowns and learning times.

References:

Alfie Kohn blogs – http://www.alfiekohn.org/blogs/lots-of-love/

The Whole Brain Child – Daniel J Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

Isha Foundation’s article – http://isha.sadhguru.org/blog/lifestyle/relationships/10-tips-on-good-parenting/

Early morning at 6:00am, “Beta, I cannot breathe, I feel very uneasy and my chest hurts badly. Please do something about it”, said Mira’s father (name changed) to her. Mira touched her father’s hand only to realise that he had turned completely cold. She turned around to get more details from her mother, who woke her up extremely panicked not knowing what to do. Her mother pointed out that he started feeling cold initially, then in flash of seconds was perspiring completely and turned cold within seconds again. She looked back again to see her father rolling all over the bed in pain, crying for relief and some answers unknown to everyone. Mira knew what had happened. It was a heart attack, a massive one.

She stood there perplexed, in a state of shock, wanting to cry out loud seeing her father on one side with excruciating pain, and a two-year-old sleeping peacefully on the other side. Her senses were numb and she felt like the pillar of her entire existence was collapsing down into pieces. She somehow managed to brush her negative thoughts aside and immediately made arrangements to get him to the hospital with her mother.

Thereafter, two hours of rigorous monitoring and surgery only made the process difficult as she was lying down next to her son to be there for him and not in the hospital. But those two hours were life changing. She looked at the innocence on her son’s face who was a big fan of his grandfather and tears rolled down her eyes incessantly. She did not know what answers would she give if her son would ask for his nana. She realized that after 30 years too she felt the same separation anxiety as her own small 2-year-old felt for her.

She also had no way to express her agony like her toddler, about something which she was unaware to take care of. The difference being that this was a thin line between life and death. And that thin line was a humongous one, something that she would never be able to repair or replace. And she sensed how foolish she was in missing those moments with her father because she wanted to hug him and tell him that I love you and need you the most. And yet again now repeating the same with her son by not creating indispensable memories when she has the time with him.

All her parenting skills came in front of her eye realizing what it meant to have a parent and to be one. She had a rush of mixed emotions as a daughter; she wanted to thank her father for being there always, she wanted to apologize for putting so much pressure on him for every small bit, she wanted to tell him that my motherhood skills are graceful because he had been such a great parent, she wanted to tell him that her son could never have any grandparent more loving and caring than him.

At the same time as a mother, she wanted to promise her son that she will be there for him no matter what to make him feel secure and cared the same way she felt by her father, she wanted to apologize for being irritated and angry at times on his innocent actions, she wanted to hug him and tell him that you are my priceless treasure and will be close to my heart forever, she wanted to assure him that she will lay a strong pillar for him too to rest on in life whenever he wanted. She wanted to give her finger as a daughter to that father to hold and walk through this rough phase just the way he had helped her with his finger only so that she could learn to walk, and simultaneously see the pride in his eyes when she would lend her finger as a parent to her son to repeat the beautiful process again.

She was overwhelmed with emotions – Parent, father, daughter, selfless love, separation, anxiety and so much more. Mira was unable to think objectively, her thoughts were frantic and all over the place. She wanted a shoulder to rest and cry on, but there was no-one for her. She knew that her father was her strong support system, be it to provide her with emotional stability and confidence, or to be a great grandparent to her son. She could hear her father’s words echo in her mind, “Whatever you do, whatever you face… if you know you are right, hang in there without any fear; life will show you the light and correct direction”.

And then, a phone call from her mother brought her back to reality. Mira’s hands were trembling to receive the call. The mother informed Mira that the blockage was 100% in the main artery of his heart and they had to conduct angioplasty to ease the blood flow. Her father is now unconscious but he has made it through. Mira’s almost stopped heartbeat was racing fast again. She wanted to dance with joy and felt like nothing could be more precious and priceless than having the pillar sturdy again. Thinking about everything else that will follow now, only made her stronger because she knew she never ever wanted to experience these moments in her life again. And if at all she did, she had to be even more stronger for her first hero to be proud of her wherever he is; since he always wants her to be happy, strong and fearless fighter.

The other day, me and my 14-year old daughter were returning from school after attending a Career counseling programme.  I was mermerised by the engaging talk by the counsellors who were trying to paint a rosy picture about the prospects of studying overseas.  I started a conversation with my daughter and began with casual happenings and events.  At the back of my mind, though I was trying to read her mind, her intentions at large. Then I slowly proceeded on asking her “What do you want to become”? And she spontaneously said” I want to become a badminton player”.

Oh no…not again. This is not the thing which I was expecting after having attended such a highly charged Counselling programme. For once you thought that your child might be impressed with the wonderful talk and develop a liking towards an academics-related career. But, here we are at square one. When asked about academics, she invariably replies, “I like it, but I don’t love it”.  I am the kind of mother who would turn the world upside down to allow my kid do what she loves to do. Are we creating unnecessary pressure on our kids? But, there is always a hidden desire, basically for most of the Indian parents, that their child excels in academics/profession primarily. The rest of the sports/talents are ranked secondary, maybe as their favorite hobby.

Just because you could not successfully complete your medicine degree, does not mean that you burden your child and coax him/her to fulfill your incomplete desires.  It is fair to be ambitious, but as parents we need to be alert about the fine line between being ambitious and over ambitious.

With the best of intentions, we parents want our kids to be successful at the things they are involved in and we want to be supportive. This generation wants to explore- newer avenues and opportunities, and break the shackles of the old school of thought. We are busy pushing them to achieve better than the best. Whereas, our concern should be to connect with them on their terms. We need to spend more time eating dinner together, listening to them instead of passing orders. Share a hearty laugh with them whenever chance permits, or take a leisure walk with them down the road.

The most important task of childhood and adolescence is a sense of self. Kids need room to try new things- do not be judgemental and enjoy them anyway. As young kids, we force them to study hard and reach the top. Don’t get me wrong. But is the pressure you put on them to study a little harder or score a century in every match as necessary as you think it is, as often as you think it is?

Be it Sports Day or the school’s Annual Day, you are always there to cheer your daughter. But, when it comes to making it to the dinner table, many a times, the family as a whole fails in this regard. The message is clear: you care more about her extra curriculars than sharing a meal with her.

The Blue Whale game has rocked the entire world as every other day we get to hear shocking stories of teens resorting to the extreme step. Have we ever dwelled into the inside of this so called world-wide epidemic? It is totally a mind game, as we all know, whose first step is “alienation” – alienation from the outside world. Where the creature, the blue whale, intends to harm and finally consume the child. A child under constant pressure to perform, to achieve and to excel is already handling too much at home as well as at school. With an unstable/disturbed state of mind, such challenging games seem to be thrilling to him/her. As we all know a healthy body possesses a healthy mind, and vice versa.  The need of the hour is to let the young kids breathe, let them explore new spaces and adventure into the known and the unknown. Parents should provide a backbone of support to their kids, and be their constant guide in their road to discovery. Too much pressure in any form is bound to take a toll on their mental health and physical well-being too.

Do you know that who are the happiest children in the world? Yes. We have an answer to it, and reliable sources to vouch for this statement too. And the answer is the Dutch children. As the findings of one of the top most organization UNICEF has pinned down the name of Dutch children to be living life to the fullest, in the true sense. The reason behind the success of the Dutch children is that their society is strengthened by home-loving people who place the child firmly at the centre. Possessing a healthy attitude towards the kids and treating them as individuals rather than as extensions of themselves. Much of this is pure common sense. Awareness to the fact that pushing kids too hard and suppressing individuality leads to anxiety is the need of the hour.

What should be our first step? Where do we start? Then, the answer is quite simple. Make their childhood more enduring than enjoying. You can be their constant guide 24*7, introduce them to new avenues, make them feel that you are their backbone. Make them feel that even a 6 out of ten in a test is fine, provided the concepts are clear cut in their minds. A relaxed, but fully informed attitude towards life, that includes academics and extra curriculars too, yields remarkably well-adjusted young people. There is a rat race out there, but does not necessarily mean that you push your kids too, let them become what they want to. Let us all understand that achievement does not necessarily lead to happiness, but that happiness can cultivate achievement. That is why I say it is time we go Dutch!

Happy Parenting!